GETTING HELP FOR YOURSELF

Raising a child with mental, behavioral or emotional disorders can be complex, challenging, frustrating, and rewarding. It can also be a drain on the family. Families need to take care of themselves. Families have said over and over again, "All the services are for my child. His brothers and sisters don’t get a chance to talk about what they go through, and we are blamed for his behavior." Regardless of how critical your child’s needs are, it is still important for you to get help and support for yourself. It is also important to find fulfilling and sustaining activities for your other children. If you as a parent are not strong and/or emotionally healthy, it will be impossible for you to do your job.

Your family is not deficient. On the contrary. Raising a child with mental, behavioral or emotional disorders requires extra skill and emotional strength. Remember the following:

1. Take time for your self, your spouse and your other children. If you are criticized, try not to take it personally. These kinds of destructive comments are usually made by people who are ignorant and unaware of the special needs of our children (yes, this may include professionals, too!). A former director for the Federation of Families for Children’s Mental Health called these "teachable moments." Use this "teachable moment" to educate others about the special needs of children and families who are dealing with mental health issues. Handling a situation this way will not only deflect the criticism, but will give you an opportunity to help decrease the stigma our children and our families feel.
2. Finding child-care or respite may be difficult, particularly if your child has behavior problems such as ADHD. Talk to your clinician about respite (planned breaks for caretakers). Respite should be a priority, not a luxury. Many professionals treat respite as a luxury, and if you are unlucky enough to live in a community that doesn’t have a big respite network, your case manager won’t advocate for it. You need to be assertive and let her know it isn’t a luxury, but something your family needs to maintain its stability.
3. Spend time with your spouse. Families that are raising a child with disability, particularly mental or behavioral issues, are 3 times more likely to get divorced. Don’t forget that your spouse is a very important part of the equation. Make a date with your spouse, if you have to.
4. Don’t forget about the other children in the family. In most families, the child with the behavioral or mental health issues gets most of the attention. This is because they are often in crisis, and their needs are so intense. We know this is easier said than done. Try to figure out what kinds of activities, and events in your child’s life take the most time and energy. You may begin to see a pattern and will be able to identify one or two activities that most often take you away from the rest of your family. Once you understand which events are most time consuming, take measures to take control. If appointments with professionals are most time consuming, ask a family member or someone from your church to provide transportation for one or two appointments. If you spend a lot of time dealing with your child’s crisis, learn some crisis management techniques.
5. Advocate for what you and your child need in therapy. Our families have numerous needs, and often, the treatment plans we have don’t reflect these needs. Your therapists and clinicians are there to meet your needs and if you are not getting what you need, be assertive.
6. Be prepared for the financial impact of your child’s treatment. If you are receiving public assistance such as Medicaid, this probably won’t be an issue. If, on the other hand, you have insurance through your employer, or private pay, ask questions about cost. Know up front what costs you will be responsible for. Read your insurance policy. Talk to the HR representative at your place of employment. They often know about the company’s insurance coverage in much greater detail. Clinicians are usually not a good source of information about paying for treatment.
7. Finally – never blame yourself. The causes of children’s disorders are diverse, so it’s really impossible to point the finger to one cause. Even if you feel responsible for something that happened in your child’s life, don’t beat yourself up for it. Blame and shame are destructive activities and won’t do anything to help your family. If necessary, change your life-style or get help for yourself and your spouse. Use this as the motivation for you and your family to move on toward a better future.