When a person is diagnosed with a mental illness, the entire family is affected. Family members may experience feelings of bewilderment, loss and guilt. Feelings of grief are also common. It is natural to miss and grieve for the person your relative used to be. They may feel frustration and anger when professionals don’t seem to be helping the family member get better.

It is not selfish and "unloving" to feel resentment and anger toward your family member and the behavior that the illness has caused. Just knowing that the person has an illness doesn’t always get rid of the hurt and anger. Your relative may reject attempts you make to reach him. He may be afraid or accuse the people who are trying to help. Families, friends, and co-workers all have reactions to these symptoms. Realizing that your feelings are normal reactions to the situation can help put things in perspective. Acting out our angry and frustrating feelings can make matters worse.

Years ago, before we knew as much about mental illness as we do today, families were often blamed for the mental illness. We now know that is not true. Many mental disorders have a biological basis and the family is no more to blame than if their relative had cancer or diabetes. Even if family situations were stressful or "dysfunctional," blaming the family serves no useful purpose in helping the person recover. In fact, families who are informed and supportive can provide a tremendous amount of help in the recovery process.

If you have a family member who has been diagnosed with a mental illness learn as much as you can about the illness, medications and support services that are available. Do what you have to do to keep yourself well. Keep in mind the following:

• Avoid placing blame and guilt. You did not cause the illness; neither did the person with the illness. Blaming yourself or blaming others, including mental health professionals, is destructive. Instead of blaming others, focus on the future and what needs to be done to create the best possible environment for your family member and his recovery.
• Find support and understanding for yourself. Keep yourself healthy; learn coping skills, because you are an important part of your relative’s recovery.
• Continue to get involved in your own outside interests. Schedule time for yourself. Find something to do that can distract you. Hobbies, gardening, reading and exercise can take you away from your day-to-day problems, even if just for a few minutes.
• Remember that other family members (siblings, grandparents) are also affected. They are probably experiencing the same feelings as you. Talk to them about their feelings.
• Both you and your relative should learn all you can about the mental illness.
• Find out about benefits and support systems when things are going smoothly. Don't wait for a crisis.